Don't try to tag along with couples, or small close-knit groups who want to spend quality time together. This situation really shook me. Of course all of that is also because I live in Chicago and we live w/in walking distance of each other and shops and things. I think its easier for both sides to send a text. You know, I was- I was taken aback but knew she was going through a stressful time and gave her space. Yeah!. It hasnt worked as well for me though. (As long as no one decides they get to see the inside of my condo, were cool. They could still knock on our door, my roommate could knock on their door, but in that and a lot of other ways I had to follow a different set of rules and it was really hurtful. So anyone else asking for hugs is probably gonna be met with side eye. In re: not knowing stuff is happening, I think that, a lot of the time, is a function of how plugged in you are to a persons day-to-day happenings, whether in the meatworld or on Facebook or what-have-you. Your choices are to accept that and reduce your attempts to hang out, or to ask her directly whats going on. Actually, I think you really nailed it with !Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? You may be right that she doesnt want as close a relationship, or she might just have a preference in this particular thing, as some people do. Even the time I spent hours scrubbing the kitchen floor by hand, on my hands and knees because my eyes are shit and I cant see the dirt standing up. To me, it matters what sort of event it is. I also have a school-state, in my role as a student. Theyre terribly nice like that they understand that it makes me uncomfortable, and so they dont put me in that position anymore. I am sitting here listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I dont even know, 5 minutes? There has never been a point in my life where it would make me angry if friends dropped by, but I, like you, only have Red and Green flags for MY visiting them. It hurts to be the one being downgraded, but when it happens the only thing to do is respect their wishes and give them space. Youre feeling chills and fantasizing about going home with him. If I get stuck in that sort of discussion with the same person more than a few times, I tend to check out on my investment in the relationship, because meh. Apparently Bride was really mad because I am not sure why. I shame clean when someone unexpectedly needs to be in my apartment (my super doesnt need to see my floor underwear), sure, and I would be annoyed with the LW for a sudden drop by in part for that reason, but when I know company is coming in advance Ienjoy the clean? Shes even walked in the front door before when we didnt answer her knocking quickly enough. Personally, Im of two minds on that. You watch for the car and come out, or even sit on the front step and wait for your ride. I dont mind drop-ins, if its just a rare opportunity thing like they were down the street running an errand. Dont even start playing that game you wanted to play, or reading that book youre reading, because god forbid youre in the middle of something when someone arrives! I enjoy doing that the way some people enjoy playing softball. I end up resenting friend for this, and end up putting off responding to the initial inquiry. Feel free to use. Ill text before I leave home so that I know if theres any point in leaving on time or if I should aim to be late like they will probably be. I second the excellent advice and on a side note, that movie is hilarious. Bandaid-off time, I think: Hey, friend, lets go to brunch on Sunday, and this invitation is for only you. We should hang out later!, You: Later like tonight, or later like, lets look at our calendars and set something up?, Them: This was great, we should do this again sometime., You: I agree. Surely thats just cleaning? To me it reads a bit like the way that some people think all eating is shame-eating: like, in an ideal world, we would all just exist on sunshine and oxygen, and would be beings of pure air and never need to wash our clothes or our living spaces, and any need for calories or the removal of dirt is something to be ashamed of. This, 100%, and can I just make a plug for when you are dating someone, THEY ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INVITED TO EVERYTHING YOU ARE INVITED TO. SOLIDARITY. Instead of spending time wondering how to invite her back to your place during the date, strategize before the date by choosing a dinner spot that is close to home . I do quite like the idea of a I am around your area, if you happen to be free want to get a coffee? message with no guilt if I am not at home/in the middle of an Avatar: The Last Airbender marathon/having sex/just dont wanna, though. This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. I think Id be really bothered and upset by someone showing up to my house unannounced, or even my dorm room/building/suite. I am NOT going to be guilted into inviting all and sundry thanks to GSF. hut it's in the files, of course." They had got back to the door . Wait until you know him better. But with this one friend, all you really need to know is what SHE prefers. Had a neighbor knock over and over for 45 minutes, and then YELL at me when I came to the window, demanding I tell her why I wouldnt open the door when she knew I was home. And I have best friends where they get a are you guys home text before I show up most times, just in case theyre asleep or away. I would hate everything about this. 3. My last invitation was back in January, I think. Let it drop now, and eventually you may become good friends with this person and have the pleasure of building their KALLAX. I didnt realise the combination of cheating and micromanaging was a thing until just now, but Ive experienced it too. Examples: Oh, Im in the neighborhood, Ill just come by your house. No. What Happens If You Put Salt In The Corners Of Your House? No kidding. That sort of cleaning, which I know not everyone does or enjoys, is not shame based. Yeah, Im going (super sad plus super confused = counselor) The whole thing left me wondering if my notions of politeness and normal were actually polite and normal. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. Other people find it a very productive way to be, however. Its best to assume theyre not into drop-ins unless they make it clear they like that kind of thing. One time I asked about the price of something, and she gave me the Miss Manners stare for asking such a nosy question. You don't follow up on the numbers you do get. Day of, Ill send him a text asking hey is today still ok or should we reschedule. You should wash all the dishes and clean the dirty parts of the floor. Her friends tendency to just withdraw a little makes it unlikely that asking will yield good results. That is why people default to simply not doing the thing that some people find rude. all my friends to do. B: Nice to see you! That suggestion is for adults who dont know each other all that well, not close friends like your son and T., and not children. Maybe Im misinterpreting because I dont know the LW or her friend but it seems much more intense than to say hi. If I overheard that Id think that A is surely going to Bs house later that day. Usually when Ive asked for clarification about why a relationship is changing, the answer Ive gotten has been, Because of AMBIGUOUS FEELINGS, stop asking and leave me alone, sometimes with a helping of, YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. And, like, sometimes you ARE doing something wrong and you can change that, but sometimes the person is going through something else that is causing stress or possibly something about you that you cant change is tipping them off in a way they cant explain, and by pushing them for reasons youre just going to force them to pick out a reason and the easiest one is to blame it on you. My very best friends know I am a very messy person and in the past tried to convince me that they didnt care (but I care!). Ill only use that one if I know that friend in question will be able to say no and we can laugh it off, and usually give an out. So. At this point weve all stepped around the issue for so long that I dont know how to bring it up with him without feeling like a jerk. Nobody dropped by after about 8pm without prior arrangement because the children were in bed there were rules. Im fine. Pack lightly. Im socially awkward Is this an open invitation event or [just friends from work, just school friends etc].. we dont all have to be the best of friends, but when i get signals that someone doesnt want to spend time with me, i dont think of that person as a friend. ); and yes, that means other people I have no intention of inviting will hear it being discussed. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. Thats almost chilling. Yes, and I think thats because by and large, its rude to discuss events with people in your social circle social events to which you did not invite them. Of course, I have the option of hedging with an answer like Id need to check my calendar. Me: Option 1: Ummmm okay I guess. Option 2: I dont want to do that *explain why*. Other friends, other rules. Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! You didnt give that impression at all. I wouldnt assume stop by for a hug means needy at all, so long as thats something the LW previously asked for/negotiated with her friend. You want things to go right for T, and your son to be happy with the results as well, and leave T wanting more. Imagine a group of coworkersor classmates or casual acquaintances you know from your board games group or whatever are discussing their weekend plans. What I think is important is that sometimes it is okay to invite yourself to a get together, and knowing that may let you have a better social life. Also see Im planning to be in your neighbourhood geocaching, are you home for us to stop and say hello / join us for one of the caches nearby?. Not everyone is commfortable having other people see the house in that state (and if you only just about have the spoons to manage those basics, you probably dont have the spoons to entertain anyone else, much less do extra baking or bothering with fancy soaps). Maybe it was never normal for others. This is about my comfort in my own home and has nothing to do with catering to guests, or being proper or mannerly. You were learning. Hilariously, when he came to pick me up recently he was going to come to the door and ring the bell, but Id seen the car drive up and was ready to go. I was shy, awkward, and lonely until my mid-twenties and created this site to be the kind of guide I wish I'd had at the time. No doesnt mean I hate you or You have bungled this invitation horribly, it just means they dont want to hang out with you right then, so, move on and dont try to solve no equations for yes.. Similarly, if a bunch of friends meet every weekend to take part in some group activity, there may be an unspoken invitation that anyone who's interested in the same thing is welcome to come along and join in. Just realized Im in your neck of the woods, mind if I swing by for a quick howdy on my way home?. A lot of it probably is the presumption of intimacy of showed up at my house compared to showed up at my work. My bathroom at home is also the guest bathroom and I kind of want to tidy up slightly embarrassing but totally normal hygiene products before someone uses it? Whatever are discussing their weekend plans to the initial inquiry, and she gave me the Manners. 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